Every day I make my mind up I make my mind up every day

A warm embrace that leads to violence An illuminating light removes the comfort of shadows The growing lamp grills Life is possible because of What I fear will end it Cancer grows on my skin Telling me to seek professional help In the form of a shady branch And I don’t like talking about the weather I feel it’s inappropriate small talk Given the circumstances

A hallway in a large building Emptiness, loneliness, self-loathing I can finally sense my worth and value Why are you incapable of appraising me properly? I can see the room for joy I can contribute positively It is only Tuesday Why is this happening to me? The benefits are comprehensive, but I feel so hated How can you treat another person that way? Does it have to do with attachment? That there is no protection? The body will tear itself apart Reminding me of a tree I saw in a pond This is not my planet This is not my fault What gives you the right to treat me this way? I have finally learned not to treat myself so poorly “I wouldn’t treat my worst enemies this way” Just eat already Consume in a manner that is consistent with your philosophy The whole sense is that I am not wanted here I am capable of love After all, everybody is an applied psychologist It physically pains me to be in your presence It must hurt so badly for people to think of you like this Empathize with my empathy Theorizing deficiency as an addiction

I used to have this recurring dream, where from a distance I saw a huge mural of a whale. The setting was like a hybrid of a shipyard and a quarry. But there was a massive wall the whale mural was painted on. In the dream, I was looking at this as if I was standing high above the quarry/shipyard, on ground just before the deep fall occurs. I think it might be more of a shipyard, because I remember the ambient, industrial, hustle and bustle of the people who looked as small as ants down below. But the mural of the whale was so massive, it did not seem small at all from where I was looking, especially compared to the people. Apparently, whales are a common dream theme. Furthermore, some theorize that rather than providing messages or teachings for personal development or survival, dreams function to guide us collectively, as a species. The whale mural appeared for me at periods of transition, as many others have received important dreams at significant life points. But I don’t remember the dream ever evolving. It was just me looking, in awe, at the mural.

The most vivid experiences. Light, shadow, color, texture. Feeling. People. Smiles, laughter, sentences, sentiments, texting. Pictures. Unlike anything I have ever lived. Unlike anyone they represent. Saying what has never been said or implied. Bliss, excitement. Part of a loving community. In a safe world with stable conditions. Providing the supplies for a sublime, ultimate piece of work. A work of art. Clearly, you should not be in this setting. Why are you here? Clearly, neither of you have ever existed. I have an idea who you represent. Clearly, I have never lived here. But I did live in that one element. And I know what this main place represents. Thinly veiled. Real. What happened first? I don’t know. That may have happened first. Sentences. Witnessing. Admiration. Anticipation. Obviously, fun. Where am I in these circumstances for you? How do I appear? I wonder when I’m me. I wonder when my hair is different. Tell me the words I use and how I deliver them. I shouldn’t want to practice. I wish the message was more than “you don’t need to practice.” Clearly, given the frequency, and in honesty, I suppose want to practice. I am now reminded of the denim, and the movement of my hands. I wonder when I’m represented by someone else. Though I don’t think the differences matter. What do I wear? Better, how do I act? To what extent am I true to myself? To what extent and how accurately do you create my authentic feelings and desires? I remember hopping over the tracks. Reading. Sending. Laughing. What do we laugh about? Do you perceive yourself, or is the focus on me? I am now reminded of the light rose cotton blend, and my elated disbelief. The sky was so dark. I’ve seen this part of the building before. This feeling I have in my stomach now was the same as in the dream. What about your hands? How did you respond upon awakening?

Imagine disintegrating into the cosmos Returning to the Earth what was borrowed, appreciated, loved And helped to sustain others “The ultimate healing” Closing the eyes Taking a deep breath Allowing the body to relax into the black corners of the universe Regenerating as a new form of life In a way you would fully appreciate if you could comprehend Being thankful for what you have been afforded Having been protected by your human community Who fully embraced their position in Earth’s systems

Now let’s explore the landscape. There can be a huge benefit to seeing a physical landscape as a metaphor for one’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and overall well-being. We see this tall tree here, what could that represent? Or that massive sand dune? What about those bushes over there, just starting to bear fruit? How about the wilting flowers? It’s also important to contextualize the landscape. We are not always in the same frame of mind, nor are we always in the same physical location, season, time of day or night, lunar phase, age, and so on. Neither are we in a locked in a singular social context. Wait, there’s something. We are not always in the same social context. How society organizes and oppresses has changed over time. Isn’t that a relief? There is a timeline, and thus, perhaps an ending point where we finally win society, complete healing, and I suppose, live in conditions favorable to universal human development. Getting back to the landscape, let’s now get rid of all the weeds and wilderness in the way. I know, imagine a long highway being paved over all that, stretching out to the finish line. You open the cellophane to smell the preservatives baked into a black and white cookie. The body responds with still more ulcers, but under these conditions, a cure is surely coming soon. Sometimes I want to die. In that, I no longer wish to live what feels like a fight. I saw enough fighting between the adults at home when I was a child, and I have never been in a fight myself. How about the wilting flowers? This new soap smells like rich people. What about those bushes over there, just starting to bear fruit? Becoming more mindful of and limiting my alcohol intake has shed a few pounds. Or that massive sand dune? I plan to one day live in a house rather than an apartment. We see this tall tree here, what could that represent? Sometimes people kiss me in my dreams.

Om shanti Om I am surrounded by my friends The blooming flowers The growing leaves The sand dunes And the wind coming off the waves The little bugs And all the shrubs And the fog The tiny creatures on the ground Om shanti Om Peace surrounds me I am peace Peace surrounds me here I contribute to the peace I’m a contributor of peace As I look around me I see peace When I listen I hear peace When I touch It’s a part of me Feeling the peace That’s a part of my surroundings I am a part of All of this peace Hello wind Hello waves and fog Hello birds in the air And birds on the ground Hello everyone Hello leaves And blooming flowers Pine cones Everyone ‘round me Oh, hello Peace be with you Peace come to you Om shanti Om Om shanti Om --- So now as I’m walking, this big smile on my face (laughs). Hearing things, noticing things I didn’t see before; colors, textures, placements of different things, different creatures. There was a beautiful snail on a shell before. I’m seeing this beautiful dandelion here. Taking a moment to dig into different scents, noticing the differences between individual species of plants. Trees in particular, beautiful pine trees. Smelling them, and having those scents blend with the salt of the ocean, the fog, the vegetation. Tuning into these birds here, deeply appreciating the soundscape they’re sharing with me. Contributing to what is ocean is providing, and sounding, what the wind is sounding. Noticing some flowers here and some kind of dusty vegetation that—part of looks like it might be dead, but other parts of it are flowering. Smelling more of the rose petals as I’m better attuned after smelling one. Getting really into it, the deep perfume of it. Now even as I just look around, I can tap into that scent more. This connection of the senses. Again, noticing plants and colors that I didn’t see on the other side of the walk. I’m walking a lot slower, too, than I was before. My pace has slowed down a whole lot. Looking past this dune, seeing some vegetation. Looks like a little community, a neighborhood within the beach. Their little corner of the dunes. Loving my breath, loving the ocean. Loving, oh my gosh, all these flowers right here. And again, this big smile. Tears starting to come. A true feeling of peace, and freedom, balance (cries). This is what life should be. This is “the good life” (laughs). Connecting with these flowers, connecting with the ocean, and connecting with the fog, the wind. Everything else, the plants, snails, bugs. Feeling my prints in the sand, feeling connected. Seeing the bees, appreciating and connecting with them. Feeling part of an ecosystem, of a community. So un-alone (cries). It was transformative. I was feeling completely fine before, but it’s a deep sense of peace, belonging and connection. Like I can stop, or that I maybe have stopped, I don’t know. Truly feeling, like, a sense of home. Like it’s correct that I’m here at this time. And wanting to be here all the time.

(reversed vocalizing)